Losing the ability to write.

Well, maybe I never had the capability to write. I was just talking about how much I adore but hateful of the same thing - what I termed as the 'intangible stuff'. The qualities/abilities that you acquire in the form of imagination. And I'm at awe because of its vast array of choices to express, yet at the same time you're bounded by infinity. Sometimes, no choice is a good choice. So, anyway, to give an example, drawing/painting is one of these intangible stuff. Writing is another. At some point of time, I'd rather do Physics or Chemistry because the theories, although not absolute (we have no absolute truth in this world) are fixed and follows a certain logic. The knowledge can be, in a way, possessed. I was at Equinox Restaurant when I was discussing and giving some random thoughts about it, because the 70th floor view was renowned but yet at the same time, evoked some kind of rejection in me. Indeed, and of course, I appreciated the view from above, but the view was so temporary and passing. They don't last. And my mechanism of defence is to reject to be at awe of it, so I don't lust for the view again. (which isn't in my possession and never will be) maybe I'm just possessive..and insecure. haha.

Now you know why writing an essay is a huge headache for me. Because I can never perfect an essay, and I think my essays will never be good enough for submission. Science and Maths are on the extreme opposite. You CAN get full marks for a Maths paper, but not one for an essay. Precisely due to the varying subjectivities between markers and people. People are subjectivity personified. A perfect essay, therefore, is inherently contradicting. oh, haven't I ranted enough?

School's a chore. It has always been a chore at this period of the semester. Still feel voided. It's funny. maybe...maybe I'm just weird.